The other day I was catching up on my LinkedIn connection requests, and finally got them down to zero. I accepted some, ignored a bunch and, after doing so, asked a question on Facebook:
There were a range of answers, and the conversation continued for a couple of days; those answers themselves are worthy of their own, dedicated blog post.
But one answer in particular made me look twice:
I’ve obscured the person’s name and avatar for reasons you will understand shortly. When I saw this, I asked in response, “Are you serious?”
To which the person replied:
To which I replied:
The person in question obviously did not expect this response, so tried to backpedal a bit, saying how many Indian friends and “candidates” he has. But as far as I was concerned, the damage was done. That was also the case for many of my friends and colleagues as well, several of whom sent me private messages on Facebook, tweets or emails to express their disgust at this line of thinking… and not only that, the person’s lame (in my opinion) attempts to justify and stand by it.
As free as we want to be
The other day, Geoff Livingston wrote a terrific post about how we are all as free as we want to be. And today, on the heels of the US’ Independence Day, I can’t but help think about how social media helped to free this person from the foil of a civilized, forward-thinking, large-minded human being and show him for what he is: a bigot at the least, and possibly a racist. And that too, probably when he least expected to be exposed as such.
People often ask me how to manage their personal and professional personas online, and I always have the same answer: just be yourself. I honestly don’t know how to portray one persona while being someone partially or completely different. Frankly, I don’t think that does you any good in the long run anyway; sooner or later people are bound see the face behind the mask… as happened here.
So let’s all do ourselves a favor, cut the BS and just be who we are, online and offline. That way the people we are most suited to connect with will come our way, the work opportunities we are most suited to do will present themselves, and we’ll be free of trying to be something we’re not. Which is simply a much easier way to live.
Why bother living any other way?
Way to hold folks accountable, Shonali.
dbvickery Sometimes you have to, right? So… I haven’t been over at your place in a while. Are you happy Andy Murray won Wimbledon?
Shonali Very happy that Andy Murray won – I’ve been rooting for him to win this Wimbledon since his runner-up speech last year.
I wasn’t as keen on Bartoli winning because I still thought she “behaved badly” refusing to play at 40-all on Sloane Stephens serve…in a “set” game. Sloane had to come back from a 2 1/2 hour delay to try and win two points to stay in the set.
She didn’t…she lost the evenly matched 1st set…and then lost the next set.
I was rooting for Lisicki in the Finals (who is fun to watch anyway).
[…] to the unfollowing whining that caused Susan’s post and is a sub-theme in mine, sometimes unsubscribing from people is the best thing you can do. It sets a clear boundary, and lets the other person know you’re not investing in the […]
You lit him up! Good for you. I think walking away from people in such scenarios is totally smart, and sets a boundary. And it’s a free world afterall!
geoffliving It is absolutely a free world… and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t pain me that such people not only exist, but are allowed to get away with this kind of crap. But again – that’s what freedom is about. So the funny thing is that I was going to unfriend him instantly, but when I went to his page, he’d already done it. I made sure to stop “following” him, though. Who needs this nonsense?!
I wonder if the bigot is sorry he is who he is…
Great story Shonali. I love a good explanatory (or exploratory) narrative. Very positive and actionable: Everyone be yourself!
Daniel J. Cohen Ha! I doubt it. He seemed extremely self-righteous and convinced of his position. My guess is that he will not change. If he did feel embarrassed, or sorry in any way, all he had to do was send me a private message of some kind saying he was sorry (even if it was one of those silly “I’m sorry you took offense” statements). But he didn’t. As far as I’m concerned, my life is better off without him even in the periphery.
What a wonderful post and an example of how social media “frees” us to say what we wish but definitely doesn’t free us from the thoughtlessness of our remarks. I believe you handled this really well and applaud you for doing so.
mdbarber I was SO angry. It took me a few days to calm down… and as you can tell from the post, it’s still with me in a way. I’m really glad I called him on it, though. A younger Shonali might not have.
Shonali A younger Shonali might not have called him on it but that’s also what makes this post powerful. It shows “younger Shonalis” that they CAN do it and not suffer. In fact, they are praised by their colleagues for doing so.
Hear! Hear! Shonali I applaud you for calling him on his bigotry.
inspirationguy Someone had to, right? Thank you!
GREAT post. On a related topic, I’ve found it interesting to see how many of run to defend Paula Deen for using the N word “so many years ago.” and stating “Why is it OK for rappers to use it but not her?” My gut reaction to that has been “Is this really about using the word ONCE, when a gun was pointed at her head? Is THAT why you think TFN dropped her?,” “Do you really not see the difference between a middle aged white woman, using the word, and young African-American men using it?” (I’m not justifying their use; just saying it’s 180 degrees different) and “A woman claiming to have been raised without any prejudice claiming to “not know what’s offensive” and thinking that an Antebellum-styled event, with white folk being served by “slaves” isn’t offensive? Sorry if I digress. I suppose my point is that we’re reminded daily that we’re eons from a post-racial world. End of rant!
KensViews Yea, I don’t understand that argument either. I think you’re right, it IS completely different!
Isn’t it weird how this stuff shows up when/where we least expect it?
Shonali, thanks for the very thoughtful post. “Inadvertent bigot” is such an interesting phrase. So fitting. It seems social media, being a human adventure, sometimes seems like a magnifying glass for the positives and negatives of how we silly humans act. Instead of deciding who we want to be when we grow up and try to apply those same principles to all aspects of life (simple, harmonious, honest), we segment our lives into separate strategies depending on the relationship or venue, as if we were more chameleon than human (complicated, frequently conflicted, potentially disingenuous).
In the end, time tells the truth. With this person it revealed an ugly underbelly. You are so right – Inadvertent, fortunate and unfortunate all at the same time. A terribly unfortunate attitude (being very gentle there – I actually felt like turning my head & spitting when I read the words) was revealed, but fortunately, it was revealed. Perhaps the quick-shot nature of most social media interactions (fire, ready, aim, oops) also sometimes tells the truth.
I hope your interaction will help this person to see a brighter reality.
TomWillis I doubt it very much (that he’ll see the light) . As I said to Daniel J. Cohen if what I wrote made any difference to/impact on him, he could easily have messaged me… even if it was several weeks later (like now). But he didn’t. I don’t think people like that see any light other than the ones they turn on or off.
You know what irritates me even more? That he probably has enough people fooled to keep the mask on. Gah.
Shonali TomWillis Daniel J. Cohen You are probably right, but you never know that the seeds you plant don’t take root some time, somewhere, somehow. Pride is such a powerful thing & keeps people from admitting others are right, sometimes for a while, sometimes forever. I understand your irritation. I suppose the good news is everything comes out in its own time…. so no sense in letting negative things and people rent space in your mind, right?
Well said, Shonali, and I could come up with 100 more amazing people this person would be cutting off simply because their name is hard to pronounce.
On the subject of weeding through unsolicited connection requests, I tend to use “do they have a blank avatar” as one way to quickly sort. I feel that is one indicator of whether that person is investing more than 10 seconds in their presence.
rosemaryoneill Right?!
That is a great way to do a preliminary weeding, Rosemary… do you ever wonder, though, if maybe they just need some education? For example, I know some older folk who are just getting on LinkedIn. They’re doing it because they’ve been told to, but they don’t really know “how,” and no one’s told them how. They might be very qualified, decent, etc… but need help getting a decent profile up.
That would make, and has made, me stop in my tracks sometimes. But from a younger person, someone who’s familiar with socnets, that would definitely be a no-no for me.