I know this makes me sound like a curmudgeon, but a fairy dies every time I get yet another request to “pick my brain.”
Now, perhaps I should be flattered my brain is so in demand (because, after all, a time will come when it’s not). Perhaps I should feel smug that my opinion is apparently worth so much to so very many people, that they all want a piece of my grey matter.
But I’m not. And neither is Davina Brewer, nor Laura Scholz, nor a whole host of other business owners (just do an Internet search for the phrase and you’ll see what I mean).
We’re not mean people. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say we’re actually pretty generous with our time and opinions. We blog. We comment on other blogs. We engage in banter on Twitter on a regular basis. We host, and participate in, Twitter chats. We do Facebook Q&As. We comment and share on Google+. We participate in LinkedIn groups. We speak at conferences (sometimes even if we’re not paid for our time). We answer questions on Quora. We…
And all this is for free.
Now, you might say that this isn’t all out of the goodness of our hearts. Certainly, this is how many of us market our services. So yes, there is a benefit to us constantly, and consistently, producing content, much of which is in response to others’ questions.
But it is also because we like helping people. Because you will find any number of consultants, etc., who don’t take the time to chat, to banter on Twitter, to answer emails (even if they do so late), share on Facebook, find resources for people who DM us on short notice…
So, in that context, it is really jarring when people come across us, perhaps get interested in because of something we wrote, or said, or tweeted (which is great), but then want to “pick our brains” or “take us out for coffee,” and essentially get a mini public relations strategy for basically nothing.
We’ve offered, and continue to offer, plenty of free advice. And the truth is, that we sometimes do let people “pick our brains.” But here’s the secret to being someone we say “yes” to instead of “no” (which we usually try to do politely):
Help us, and we’ll help you.
Let’s just take me and my business, for example. Instead of shooting me a gazillion links via a barrage of tweets, when you don’t even know who I am, you could instead:
- Post a question to the Shonali Burke Consulting, Inc. Facebook Page – that way, not only I would respond, but perhaps others would too
- Participate in #measurePR, the Twitter chat I host every other week. You have no idea how many great resources and idea are consistently shared during that chat (and at other times too, since it’s become the de facto hashtag to curate conversations around PR measurement)
- Do a search right here on WUL (there’s a reason I have a search box on the blog) to see if perhaps I’ve already written about the topic you have a question on
- Visit my business site if you’re curious about what exactly it is I do for a living, and then ask a follow-up, informed question
- Comment on WUL, and ask questions not just of me, but of others as well, even if they’re not already on the blog; that’s why I use Livefyre as my comment system
See what I mean?
By taking any of these actions, you:
- Might help me generate content which would be useful not just for you, but perhaps others as well
- Get to know other people I talk to, and who are very smart, by virtue of the forum you interact in – so that’s good for you too!
- Indicate it’s actually my brain and thoughts you’re interested in, as opposed to perhaps having spammed dozens of consultants with the same question(s)
- Never use the words “pick” and “brain” in the same phrase, because then I’ll know you read, and paid attention to, this post
So let’s all help save some fairies. And stop me from getting a hole in the head. Because with that, I’d be even more useless to everyone and, most of all, me.
So. What can you help me help you with today? Yes, after all that, I’m serious; leave a comment below, especially if you have a question related to PR, social media, and/or measurement. I’ll do my best to answer it, either now or maybe later as another post… and perhaps someone else will have a better answer than me. You won’t know unless you try!
Image: Simon Greig (xrrr) via Flickr, CC 2.0
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NEMultimedia thank you!
lauraclick Thanks, Laura!
shonali Sure thing! I think it’s a fantastic idea!!!
jessostroff I don’t know if it’s a cosmic thing, but I got THREE of those the other day!
shonali Ugh, that is supremely annoying! Good luck dealing with it. Rest assured I will NEVER ask to make a hole in your brain :)
[…] don’t think I could have explained it as well as Shonali Burke did in her recent post “If You Pick My Brain, I’ll Have a Hole In My Head.” Of course, I don’t offer as much free advice and support as Shonali does (read her […]
What a great post! I’ve been thinking about the value of time recently, both paid and unpaid. I find that if I don’t make others respect my time and expertise, then they don’t. And sometimes this requires that I be firm in my approach. I wouldn’t ask a hairdresser to do my hair for free, so why do people think it’s Ok to ask me to basically give them a complete PR plan over lunch for free?
SandraFernandez I. KNOW!
Sweet post!
Honest confession: I have used the phrase “pick your brain” before. It was on the advice of a slightly older generation. I get the impression this was a term people have used on the past to ask for advice, and that asking for advice in certain fields (and in a different time) was a little more relevant. Now, as you accurately point out, a lot of the advice for which we would have previously asked is now out on the web. On the other hand, there is still some legitimacy to the “mastermind” group (something I’ve seen @Shonali Burke suggest, and something with which I completely agree… and Dan Kennedy, Zig Ziglar and a whole slew of other smart people seem to have suggested in the past).
But the last time I used the phrase, I saw a rather passive-aggresive post from the person I asked, and I backed off… forever. And that’s how I learned the hard way never to do it again.
What I like about what you have written here is that it’s honest, not snarky. There are a lot of ways to be mean-spirited about wanting people to respect your time and expertise, but those ways don’t provide logical premises… and they are… well… mean-spirited. This is not only more functional, but more moral.
You must be a professional communicator or something. ;)
Daniel J. Cohen LOL!
But to the person responding via a passive-aggressive post… did they say anything to you as well? Or did you ask, and then, next thing you know, the post was published, so you felt you were at least a factor in the post getting published?
I absolutely think there is huge value in the one-on-one conversations, etc. – that’s why I still have them (in terms of giving advice) with people, and am very grateful when others give me their time. But I try to maximize it and a lot of the “pick your brain” type of people just don’t value your time, only their own. They want to get something out of you, and that’s it – so they only show up when they want a freebie (or they’re looking for a job). That’s what I don’t like.
@Shonali Burke Yeah, the freebies are over the top. To tell you the truth, I’ve shifted y business model away from consulting a bit. I provide campaigns. Any consulting is just strategy or training that was supposed to be there in the first place.
If you want free business advice out of me, the best way is to be in my family. :)
As for the passive aggressive post, it was more the second scenario than the first.
ginidietrich Hi, how r U. (This stops me from bitching about me)
Justjeffpls morning! I’m going to go see Olympus has Fallen
Amen, sister!
arkarthick shonali Nice, post, and it’s great that you do consider guests to #blog if they meet your well-stated criteria.
@hadassahhannah Absolutely!
MikeStanlon Soulati mmangen Thank you for sharing!
neicolec ;))
Great post Shonali. Glad that my email could inspire a great blog post. And even more appreciative of our fireside chats. Oddly enough, i was planning on writing a similar post today about the value of our time, and how enterprises value people less and less, unless they are able to quantify sales production. Scary, sad, but real.
Joe Witte You should still write your post, because it would be a new angle. Please do! And I appreciate our chats very much too – thank you for them!
People who don’t bill for their time don’t always grasp the concept that time really is money.
Joshua Wilner/A Writer Writes That’s very true… or maybe they don’t value their own time highly enough?
profkrg RobFishman leaderswest Thanks so much for sharing.
Oh no my super amazing relevant comment I posted from my phone did not post!
Well last time I picked @shonali ‘s brain I won $25 in the lottery (she gave me scratch off strategy) it was worth teh cup of Folgers I had to buy her.
I agree with you my friend. I think if they really want to pick your brain they can enroll at John Hopkins and take your class non-matriculated 8)
HowieG That’s why you should start saving your comments in email, LOL!
Either enroll at Hopkins or pay me for an hour or two of my time. That’s what I’ve started doing with prospects who want to “brainstorm.” I say – well, here’s how much you have to pay for that time. Then, if you hire me, I’ll credit that back to your account. But at least that way I don’t feel taken advantage of *and* I think it makes them sit up and realize that I value my time as much as anyone else’s.
Shonali what an amazing strategy! I owe you another cup of folgers.
To saving fairies and Barbie dolls! I’d like to know how you found that image, i.e., the keywords.
I love talking about writing and helping people with their writing, but I’ve gotten to the point, too, that I hate the “pick my brain” phrase.
Erin F. I literally plugged in “hole in the head” in Flickr’s advanced search. I was a little scared when I did that, because I had visions of oozing gore… so I was actually relieved when it was just the Barbie!
Funny story – I was talking to wittejoe the other day about this (we were “picking” each other’s brains, since he’s someone I respect greatly, and is very kind and generous), and he remarked how he’d never thought of the phrase in that way until I said how much I detested it. I know it’s one of those phrases that has just become so common, that people really don’t think about the imagery that accompanies it. But oh, how I wish we could find some other phrases to use instead!
Shonali wittejoeI have a similar reaction to “grammar Nazi.” I hate the phrase.
ErinMFeldman xpotomac Thank you for sharing!
You are SO a woman after my own heart! Here’s to saving fairies. Cheers! Kaarina
KDillabough ‘Nuff said, huh? ;) Thanks, my friend – happy Friday!
Shonali, you raise an important point here. When I first started my career I remember how some people were generous with their time and advice and others seemed cold and distant. I promised myself I would emulate the former, and for the most part I have lived that way. And in most cases – like with you – the relationship that has been built has been mutually beneficial (I hope you feel the same way.)
But there is a distinction between someone who comes for advice, help and counsel and others who recognize the value of what you have to offer, but do not value it (or you) enough to be (a) respectful of your time or (b) compensate you either with money or reciprocated generosity. And for the the record ‘we’ll add you to our email list so you can get regular insights from us…’ isn’t exactly what I consider being generous with their time – it is asking for more of mine. If I want your newsletter/ezine, I’ll sign up for it. I hope this doesn’t sound bitter, cranky or old (but I fear it comes off a bit like ‘you darn kids, get off my lawn!’)
JohnFriedman That is one of the (many) things I like so much about you. I remember when we were at a PRSA conference many years ago, and you went out of your way to introduce me to someone very senior at your organization – you didn’t need to, but you did it, because you thought it would be a good thing to do. And I think most of the professionals I respect so much, and am fortunate to be friends with, are the same. We *do* try to help… but we don’t like being taken for granted.
Don’t even get me started on the “we’ll add you to the email list.” O.M.G. So here is something interesting… you know that email I sent out recently? Within minutes, there were at least a few people from whom I received email newsletters – and I’d NEVER signed up for them! They had the standard line of “you are receiving this email because you asked for it in some way” and I said to myself, “Oh no, I didn’t.” I *could* have done the same when I was sending out my email… but I didn’t, I intentionally wrote a personalized email, and have been responding one-on-one to everyone who’s replied. I don’t know what program they’re using to do that, but it’s a really shady thing to do, IMHO.
I certainly hope not. The tragedy of it is, people like John and Gerard know EXACTLY what this feels like. Those who don’t won’t “like” it. :(
@shonali I read every post on your blog and comment on a few. This one is GREAT advice for anyone trying to learn more about a field they do not know much of! Thanks!!!
jrsygrl621 Thank you so much! I value this phrase so much: “I read every post on your blog.” I can’t tell you how warm that made me feel. Thank you!!!
Thanks for saying it out loud! I have had to actively avoid my pest control guy because he tries to corner me IN MY HOME to ask about how to promote his new business online. “Do I need a Facebook page?”
rosemaryoneill OMG, the pest control guy?! I LMAO’d at that! But that reminds me, my (former) plumber did the same… though he’s a really nice guy, and I think he was very intrigued by what I was doing (he got to know me when I was working for the ASPCA). I think he actually tried to make an intro for me to his company, but when they realized I wasn’t just going to tell them how to do everything for free, it never went anywhere.
See you soon!!
Nicely navigated. And no, you are most certainly not a curmudgeon. The openness of the digital age lends itself to an atmosphere where we silly humans find profoundly unclever ways to cross lines because we don’t even see them. Yet another paradox of modern life – the thing that is intended to make us smarter accidentally leads to us behaving less smartly. We gain knowledge while tripping into cluelessness. Kindly navigators are both necessary and appreciated.
TomWillis This bit made me stop and think a LOT: “… where we silly humans find profoundly unclever ways to cross lines because we don’t even see them.” I think there is another blog post there, Tom – between that, and the email you sent me the other day, you’re on FIRE. Thank you!
Shonali TomWillis Glad to help. I think me being on fire is more about needing to be more careful with the charcoal lighter fluid. I got all giddy with the start of spring, but it was so cold outside my hands were shaking when I went to light up the grill, and… well…it wasn’t pretty. But they say eyebrows grow back pretty quickly. (Just kidding – don’t worry).
LauraScholz Thank YOU for a great post that still resonates today!
shonali I can’t believe I wrote that three years ago!
LauraScholz I know. Which is why it’s such a great post, because it still holds & rings true today.
shonali Probably a good thing, as I blog about twice a year these days! ;)
shonali so can I pick your brain ;)
jeffespo LOL. *You* can always pick my brain. Because you do it in a different way (and have let me pick yours).
shonali :) we are long over due to catch up my friend
jeffespo Yes, we are. Are you coming to #soslam, by any chance?
shonali I am not… my one big travel trip of the year (if not speaking) is to SXSW…
jeffespo I know what you mean. I have to pick and choose too…
shonali :) for me that one makes the most sense…
jeffespo Would you believe I’ve never been?
shonali :)
Hahaha–I love this. My friend Hollis Gillespie just posted something similar–and said an hour of her time was worth more than a $3 cup of coffee–and then listed her favorite coffee shops! :) So many of us are generous with our time, especially online. And I do often meet people in person–usually younger professionals looking for advice who have previously engaged with me online and that I consider friends. What most people don’t realize is I’m so busy, I rarely have time to spend with my husband or my friends–I simply don’t have time to meet every random person on the internet for coffee!
LauraScholz I think she should up the ante to wine bars. ;)